MY RETURN TO GRACE

I guess we should start off with a little introduction. My name is Macey; I am currently 23 years old. I will be celebrating my one year wedding anniversary with my wonderful husband in December, and I have an amazing little boy that is about a year and a half old who I absolutely adore. I am the oldest of 16 children. Yes, 16. 

I have been a Christian for as long as I can remember. I was born into a Christian family and the greatest desire in my early childhood was just to be with Jesus. I felt his presence so intensely strong as a little girl, and my greatest desire is to regain that with my savior. That feeling comes from a relationship, and those take time to build, especially when they have been broken... This blog is meant to help me on that path of rebuilding my relationship with him, and maybe there are other women out there who have gone through a similar experience and can understand what I am going through, or feel understood and know there are other women in the world who are going through the same thing. 

My struggles with my faith (long story short) didn't begin until I began having to work through the emotional damage of living in a third world country for about a year and a half, the shock from my parents' divorce, the abandonment from my mother and my father's marriage less then a year after my mom left us. For a teenage girl who was completely innocent and nieve (to basically everything) to be able to figure out how to muddle through all of that emotionally without letting anyone know of her pain because she felt the need to be "strong" and fix everything for everyone, there comes a breaking point. My biggest failure was the fact that I had no support group. It wasn't that nobody cared, but because I was afraid to let anyone in to help me. I put on a strong face for everyone, even strangers who didn't care because I felt like I couldn't let anyone know I was struggling. I think I thought that because I was a Christian and I couldn't have the pain, fear and other baggage I felt because Christ was supposed to take that away from me. He was supposed to heal me. Now; that all may be true, but my view was completely skewed. I began to blame him even though I wouldn't admit it, and I let the devil win. I let myself turn away because I was afraid and I created a world of pain and damage for myself in the process. 

I ended up making some very bad decisions in my mid/late teen years, however, those decisions God has taken and turned the end into something beautiful. If I hadn't made those mistakes, I never would have met my husband, who has been such a blessing to me and changed me (for good) in so many ways. I wouldn't have my beautiful son, I wouldn't have my renewed faith, and I wouldn't have the lessons I have learned in the process. 

Isaiah: 44:22 says: "I have wiped out your transgressions like a thick cloud, And your sins like a heavy mist. Return to me for I have redeemed you." 

My current struggle is remembering that I am forgiven. Knowing that he loves me even though I feel ashamed and have guilt for my past. I have to remind myself on a daily basis that I am forgiven, and Christ has cleansed me. I am loved. When I remember that my whole outlook on life changes and I am able to feel a peace and thankfulness for that all-consuming love. Love from someone who can love me more then I am able to understand. I think of the love I have for my son, which is not comparable to anything in this world, and knowing that my Savior loves me even more than I am capable of loving my son is a crazy thought. 

IT IS LIFE CHANGING LOVE.